Dear *** I hope you can believe that I have changed.
I have tried to express this for some time. Things have been strained and strange between us for so long. I hope you can believe that I have changed. That when I say I want you in my life you will hear me and, you will feel the difference. You will feel the truth of me.
There are so many things I want to say about how I feel about you and I. You. And I. And you and I.
I want to welcome you into my life without the judgement, blame, and neediness. Please let me embrace all the freedom you have offered that I abused, ignored or did not trust.
I acknowledge your absolute availability to me when I am clear and taking full responsibility for myself, my emotions and insecurities. Your contribution to me has always been one of abundance, choice, and love. You are always waiting for me without reservation.
I created our separation. It is clear to me now.
It has always been a roller coaster when it comes to you. Actually I should correct that. I have always been a rollercoaster when it comes to you.
Most of the time I am negatively triggered when I think about you.
Feeling confused, overwhelmed and resentful is a big part of our history. The thing about history is that it is all made up and then rewritten time and again in more negative ways.
I made it all up. By doing this I separated myself from you and hurt myself as well. I removed you from my life, then I blamed you for leaving me.
I realise this now.
I am re-writing history yet again. In this version I fully acknowledge the stories I fabricated about you to explain my unhappiness actually destroyed my relationship with you time and time again.
I have blamed you over and over and over again for my unhappiness, for feeling stuck, unfulfilled, trapped.
I write this knowing I can create something different from now on.
My thoughts are jumbled and my emotions are high. I want so much for you to hear my heart. I am putting myself on notice to be true. I hope this makes sense.
I know my inconsistency and lack of faith is where it all broke down.
We have a checkered past. I want to get over it. Not to be right. Not to make you wrong. To clear the air between us so we can move forward together.
Going all the way back into my memories, you are a strong and dominant presence. My awareness of you has been something I have tried to ignore but failed.
My earliest memories of lack, fear and unworthiness stem from you being there and then gone. When you were not there I felt helpless, less than, needy. It was a cycle we repeated endlessly. There were so many toxic things said and thought and believed.
When I first became aware of you I noticed how much you impacted all the people around you.
You were so polarising.
This added to my confusion.
On one hand when you were around things just seemed less pressurised. But I heard conflicting opinions about you all the time. I didn’t know who to trust and I didn’t trust myself. I realise I needed you to make me feel good about myself. I put that responsibility on you and excused myself from that responsibility.
When you were there and taking away the pressure I got safe, selfish and comfortable. I didn’t have to fear the future. I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to cope. I knew you would take care of me. I expected you to take care of me and I let some of my fear go. But I also ignored you, took you for granted, doubted you and betrayed you. My attention to you fluctuated wildly. I realise the messages I gave you were confused and inconsistent. No wonder you would disappear.
What was hardest was that you never seemed to notice the extent of my emotions. When I felt most needy that’s when you would disappear. I then felt I could never truly trust you. It was confusing and increased my sense of resentment and pain. I would look at you and think of all the things we could do together if only you would stay. But I never took responsibility for how that could work.
I was the one that damaged our partnership. I stifled our ability to thrive over and over again.
I understand now that when I love myself, when I take responsibility for myself and am clear and coming from a true heart that’s when you show up the most. When I honour my own power and acknowledge my own gifts you always show up and support me in all the ways you can. It has taken a long time for me to understand I influence every aspect of our relationship. I do have control because I control myself. I hope you can believe that I have changed. I believe it now.
Dr Linda Wilson is a Mindflow Mentor, Author and Presenter.
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